Welcome to LaLaLand

This is just a letter I wrote to the man I love XD ^.^ ;) :D XD...='C...I haven't given it to him,yet,though...='C...I might not give it to him...in fact,this MAY be the ONLY letter  I EVER write =O and don't  give to him! =U...yes,if ever there wuz a letter I wood keep from im,it'd be this 1 ...=V =V =V =U =O =V =V =V...we'll see,though =/...=I in any event,though,w/o further adieu (it's french,I think.that's sad,I should know these things...considering,I'm part French!...LOL XD XD XD..N*E*Y), *here

                                                                                                                                  Sat,9/19/09

                                                                                                                                      appx.12am

Well...it's been...2 months (actually,2& a half) since I've drank any alcohol...1 month since I've heard your voice (don't wanna think about how long it's been since I've seen your face... ='C...), and up until yesterday...it had been,well,I wuz gonna say a few WEEKS--but actually,I just realized that it's been exactly a month--since I've been in my yard (front OR back),(or on my porch/the roof of my garage, or anything like that)) at night...the reason I realized it's actually been NOT  THREE weeks,but actually a *month* =U =O...is b/c (like I say,until Yesterday) the last night I was out there...was ALSO the last night I got to talk to you -- I remember that night...

Jermaine,sum 1 has tried 2 break into my house THREE times (that I know of for sure ...=/...=...) in the past 2 weeks...The first time was Friday before Labor Day(which,ironically Friday was ALSO my 2 mo. anniv. of not DRINKING  =U...XD...:D...it's like...well,whatever,I'll tell you L8R...what I was about to say) ,September the 4th (you see,now,what I mean about it being my 2 mo. anniv. of being completely sober...have not HAD 1  drop of licqour...since July 4th XD)...I don't wanna talk about this anymore,though...it's been 7 years,this Christmas,since my grandma died...and this is the time of year,2 yrs. ago,that I lost the man I love/loved...over something I never thought/never *dreamed*/imagined ---even in my WILDEST dreams...=C.could have such a hold on me...it was either 4,,or5 years aga (back in Febbruary,which ironically,his BIRTHday was in Feb. =*C) that I lost my Uncle David (wow,it's hard for me to even say his name ! =U ... ='''C...well,THAT sux ='''C)(can't hardly believe  that...I wanted to put an angry face here but I don't know how to make 1 just of of #s and symbols,so =/...=...) to Sorosis of the liver -- from so many years of drinking...I'm not really sure how to feel about this...it was also around this time of year,2 years ago.that one of the best friends that I have ever HAD =V X'C...moved to CHINA...she is an undercover missionary,basicly =/..., using her TEACHING Degree to do it...and I may never see her...or *speak*...to her...again ='C...it has been 8 years since I have seen my dad...and almost 11 years...since he has been removed from my life...he called me (don't know how he got the number...buuuut... he did :)...) on my,I believe it was, 21st birthday (could be wrong...could've been 20th,maybe even 22nd) to tell me "Happy Birthday" I'm SURE :) ='C ='''C...my mom hung-UP in his face...I never even got to talk to him...Jermaine, I feel like I'm losing my MIND =U ...thinking about you...how I...well,I can't say (and you know ! ='C)...thinking that...what if I never see you again?..."what if I don't mean anything like - what I long for- to him?"..."what if you mean absolutely nothing... to him?...and he forgets you like yesterday's lunchmeat,or something? what if you never mean to him what he means to you?...how will you cope?..." -- "what if he never sees you?...what if he never wanted to?", "am I worth coming after?"..."will he ever?..." Jermaine,I can't do this anymore,this is...Jermaine,I don't know why I'm tell YOU this... =V...more likely than not you don't even know what I'm talking about...I think to myself "what if you're not worth missing?"... "am I worth hungering after...panting for--longing for?...AM I...will I EVER be...WORTH this burning feeling in my soul...I feel for him?...will I ever be worth this unrelenting--continual...unquenchable (Song of Solomon 8:6-7;2:16-17,3:16-17) BURNING...hunger...that I feel for him,...for his LOVE?...for him to WANT ME! !,NEED ME...have his breath taken away by me!--cause he loves me much he can hardly BREATHE/*Speak*...will he ever *cry*--cause he's so in LOVE with ME ?! ='C...Will I ever be WORTH that?...TO HIM?!!! ='C"...I don't know...I don't...* KNOW*...and it's messin me UP inside...

                                                                                 Hope(if only in myyyy- yyy dreams...:) ...:'(...HELP ...)